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Self Preservation

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zephyh
rookie - member
10 posts
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No longer do the light of your being
Grace my lonely solo dreams
For the alcohol haze has darkened
All senses and emotions
And your face no longer tears my heart
The memories haunt no more
But
Have you been relegated to some corner
Only to spring out unaware
On my unsuspecting inner chorus
The one day I stop drowning
The love I thought I felt
In so much alcohol.

Am I merely preserving the moments
So I may view them gorgeous
Shut in a jar
Detached and removed
In so many pretty dream crystals
Some day?

The ducts are dry
But begin
Leaking wine.

__________________
******** Zephyhdom The One Stop Talent Source Entertaining Since 1995 ********* Web: www.zephyhdom.com Blog: www.sweethearttheclown.com
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06th August 2008 01:28 a.m.
chrismooneysingh
novice - founder
13 posts
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No longer do the light of your being
Grace my lonely solo dreams
For the alcohol haze has darkened
All senses and emotions
And your face no longer tears my heart
The memories haunt no more

Consider going for more concrete language:
light, being, dreams, tears my hear, the memories -
although they represent real experience
they don't really bring it across the general reader.

We kinda have to take it all on trust
that the narrator has had a downer experience.
Show rather than tell.

I'm sorry to sound a negative note
but I feel you have important things to convey
and I would like to know more - especially through
the use of fresh concrete nouns and far less abstract ones.

This critique also stands for some of your other pieces.
My suggestion is do an 'abstractiondectomy'
on your poem - take out anything
that sniffs of abstraction or cliche
and rewrite with the bones of what is left standing.

Do remember, the reader is not (generally)
a psychic and can't see the real life
experience behind the over generalised metaphors.

Looking forward to seeing a rewrite soon. :-)

Warm regards
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Chris Mooney-Singh, Word Forward
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01st September 2008 01:36 a.m.
zephyh
rookie - member
10 posts
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The Mourning After
-------------------
Last night was crazy
Mad and Sad
All at once
The swirl of wine
Seemed to taste
All so bitter.
Or was it
Just Salty?

They said not to mix your drinks
Else you will forget all
That happens.

Last night it was jazz
Chilean red wine with dinner
Fantastic citrus tiger prawns
Curled up beautifully on
The biggest, whitest plate.
A cuppucino of thai red curry
Rendered me speechless
With the main of tender rare beef
And a dessert of lemon grass flan.

"I missed you"
And he, "Don't say that, it's awkward"
Then I knew in horror
I had misjudged
The entire affair of sorts.
Too fast, too soon
Too removed.
Too
Comfortable.

Salty Salty World
Into the waiting ears
Of an old ember.
A first of sorts
Drowning in two seas
Of red.
Foot massage
Relexology
Fingers
Toes
Massive
Nerve
Endings.

Something else I wrote in another time...I tend to go through different phases...and the poetry posted are not edited, to preserve the rawness... but I like your comments, and it is appreciated.

__________________
******** Zephyhdom The One Stop Talent Source Entertaining Since 1995 ********* Web: www.zephyhdom.com Blog: www.sweethearttheclown.com
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04th September 2008 01:08 a.m.
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